California 142
I have less than 22 days in California.
In less than 22 days I will be stuffing my possessions in my car and driving 15 hours back into the mountains. This time it’ll be slightly further up north.
The destination is Jackson, Wyoming.
It feels like a dream that I’ll spend a winter working for a creative adventurous company playing in the mountains. I say playing because work in the winter feels exactly like that. I won’t lie and say I’m not nervous I’m always nervous anytime Ive moved anywhere I was nervous. I’m nervous because it’s the unknown who knows what will happen or who I will meet but here I am once again am picking up my things and going to a place where I’d say I’m not very familiar with. I don’t think visiting jackson two times and one of those times nearly dying is valid enough for me to say I’m familiar with the town and mountains there. Though I am coming into this part of my life very confident in all aspects. I feel confident in my physical capabilities and my mental health. I also feel confident in my romantic life. Something I haven’t been in years. It feels odd to say that because I haven’t said that before but it’s something I can feel deep inside. I always felt life for me didn’t really start until I left college or at about the time I graduated high school and it seems that way these past 6 years have felt like a never ending roller coaster that I’m not allowed to take breaks on not because I want to but because I shouldn’t. I’d like to soak up every second I have on this beautiful planet and create a life that mimics art. I want to explore as if the world will end soon. I want to smile as much as I can. I want to be sad and I wouldn’t mind getting angry here and there. I want to feel everything.
Everyone wants to feel love genuine love that is mirrored. Can that be achieved?
I’ve spent the better majority of the last few years giving not love but lust. Feeding into my sexual objectification. I believe love and lust can co exist but not in the way I have been going about. I have came across some special people in my life some I’ve dated and have had intimate moments with and some I’ve met for a one night stand but none the less they made an impression, I can only hope I did as well. Intimate moments, impressions made, and memories created but never a feeling that was mirrored. I kept a thin veil at all times my guard up or a persona I thought I should keep up with. It’s exhausting and draining to the mind,body and soul.
Emma thank you for making it easy for me to remove it.
I’ve spent a lot of time doubting people’s intentions trusting people with my time and I’ve made it even harder for some people to trust me. I’ve broken promises and I’ve lied blatantly to people. I’ve hurt many people and I probably haven’t been hurt enough so for me to sit back and see the dream I’m living right now it feels as if it’s not really for me but I know it is. I would question everything I questioned the authenticity of what’s being told to me I questioned the actions being taken towards me I’d question the intentions behind things. It’s a miserable way to try and love.
I don’t question Emma at least I try not to. I see no lie in her eyes, is that foolish of me to claim? Is it childish? Does it make me gullible?
I don’t know and I don’t care to know. Maybe I should question everything. Will it help me to question things or will it create chaos in a time where all I want is peace and tranquillity.
The funny thing is this is all me questioning and the even funnier thing is that for the first time in a long time I don’t need to question shit.
You know when you know people.
unfortunately for everyone here I’ll probably make a whole blog post smothering Emma and praising her. So stay tuned if you’d like to read what a dude will write about when he’s obsessed with a girl.
also I know she’s going to read this so I’d like to say, I am so fucking proud of her and I’m excited to celebrate this weekend with you. I won’t spill the beans they are not my beans to spill.
going to post this half asleep I didn’t proof read sorry people I really don’t want to.
2:45 pm October 19th
San Diego, California